Thursday, April 28, 2016

Letting out my deep frustrations

Hello guys.

I just feel like letting some things off my chest so here comes one of those under-the-skin rant posts when I strip off that happy mask of mine for a while... Feel free to skip this post if you don't care about angsty rants because this is definitely one. 
Oh and yeah, I apologize in advance for the messy text and that it's probably all over the place, makes no sense and has little to no structure.

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Lately I've been thinking a lot about my life and I've been feeling so anxious and horrible about myself that my whole body hurts and I can't sleep at night. Sometimes I can't even breathe properly because everything just blocks off.

Why do I have such horrible luck? 
Why does this happen to me of all people?

I'm seriously so sick of people –especially those who are supposed to help– controlling my life and telling me what I can and can't do, even though it's my life, my body and my needs. I know myself better than anyone else, I know what I need to feel good. 
I especially feel broken and bad about that what I was told by my psychologist was a "rule written in stone" is actually just different preferences and different ways of doing things in different parts of Sweden. It's luck-based. 
And that's not okay because important matters like this should be consistent for everyone. Everyone should have the same opportunities and options but seemingly that's not the case – even in a country as good as Sweden. This is about human lives. Equality should be a given.

Why was I not told that I had more choices than just the one that told me to wait longer than I could handle? Why did no one tell me it wasn't even necessary to prolong this hell?
 
I feel like I've been lied to and like my rights were kept out of reach from me, when I could have been living a happy life right now (or at least closer to one) had I been living somewhere else in this land and been more lucky with whom I ended up spilling my life story to...
I feel angry and disappointed at those who should have been there to help me and yet kept me hanging while others, luckier than me, moved on.


It's my life and my time on this earth and yes, I'm bitter about what a shitty start I've had when it comes to getting help. I've wasted so much time and money on uneducated "professionals", of which some of them disrespected and offended my very being, and, guess what? They didn't even apologize, they just justified their reasoning and I tell you, it made me vomit mentally it was pure bigotry, nothing else. 
I've never been so gravely disappointed, disgusted and angry at people whom I pay to help me.

Sometimes I wish I had friends who'd listen to and help me up when I'm falling, like everyone else my age seems to have in buckets but no, I don't. I feel so lonely, insignificant, invisible and always like that person who is never anyone's first choice. It's really tearing me apart and especially much when I'm alone... with just the demons in my head taking over... and the frustration of not even having control over one's own life.

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